How To Confidently Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor
It’s easier than asking someone to be your valentine – I promise.
Asking someone to be my mentor might sound like the most daunting sentence in…ever, but it doesn’t have to be. And during a week full of candy and flowers, focusing on careers and futures may well be the gift that lasts longer.
How do I even start? As the founder of Être, a girls’ mentorship platform, I hear this question a lot. Closely followed by what exactly should I say and am I too young to ask? Most of the time, as they are spinning in boardroom chairs at companies they voted to visit when they ask, I defer to the women hosting us for answers.
To every next gen graduate, new employee, or pivoting professional – here are a few rules of the road to start you on your way. And nope, you are not too young to ask.
How Do I Even Start?
Do Your Homework. What’s great about starting young is that you are used to homework. You know how to research. Flex those skills now. Think hard about what industries interest you and leverage LinkedIn’s phenomenal filters to identify companies and leaders. Know someone mentor-ready but too young for LinkedIn? Point her towards industry hashtags on Insta as a start.
Chart Your Network. Now make a list or spreadsheet of people who, quite simply, do what you love. Those whose TED Talks, books, podcasts, and commencement addresses have inspired you to act. Do they overlap with any professors, coaches, supervisors, or recent alumni in your network? Note that too. Need quick and direct links to role model social media DMs? Check out The Epic Mentor Guide – 180 leaders left them for you.
Craft Your Ask. This can be different for each potential mentor, so take your time here. You may want a semester research spot or resume review from one person and a 15-minute career path Q&A from another – be thoughtful and intentional with each email or DM you send.
What Do I Actually Say When I Reach Out?
Start Up Top. To me, the subject line is everything and less is more. Something like Student inspired by your TED Talk with 1 question or Fellow NYU grad seeking 5-minute chat tells the recipient who you are and why you are connecting. Bonus points if it conveys common ground.
Bring Something of Value. This is both easy to provide and often overlooked. Bring something to the table before you even pull up a chair: I listened to your podcast and thought you might like this new study or I mentioned your book in my TED-Ed Talk and wanted to forward a link demonstrates alignment in thought and selflessness in action. Plus, sharing fresh insight cultivates curiosity – yours and theirs.
Close with Your Ask. And make it light – so light that it’s hard to refuse. You are not asking for a lifelong commitment (see below) or a lengthy dinner. You are asking for a first step, so ensure that is clear: a 15-minute zoom call, the chance to ask two questions by email, or the opportunity to be connected on LinkedIn. Simple, yet specific.
What Should I NOT Say?
Be My Forever Mentor. Just like in any relationship conversation, there are things not to say and this one heads my list. Be cognizant of this leader’s time and other commitments. Ask only for what you, yourself, would not mind giving.
But Why Not? If the person politely declines, don’t press. A more productive rejoinder might be Is there anyone else you’d suggest I contact, or would you mind if I reached back out in six months? And if it’s still no, respect it and move on. You have no idea what else is on their plate, and their no may well have nothing to do with your ask.
You’ll Probably Say No, But… While you should be ready to accept a no with grace, that doesn’t mean you should ever go in expecting one. This is still the time to aim high. Dream big. More people than you think want to help, and most remember what it’s like to summon their confidence and push send in these asks. I know I do.
Then What?
Then, let the mentoring commence! Bear in mind three last points and DM me for more specific advice or with questions. This is one of my favorite things to do, so as you move into mentee mode remember that:
Mentoring can and should start early. Our Être research has shown a clear correlation between girls’ confidence and mentorship, and we have 2024 data coming soon. Whether you are applying to college, declaring a major or switching industries, the earlier in the process you identify mentors, the better.
Mentoring can happen in mere moments. The value of mentorship isn’t always measured by decades – it’s calculated by impact. A lightning-round conversation, two minutes at a conference, or a simple email exchange can provide you with food for thought and fodder for next steps. Value the mentor moments.
Mentoring is a more than a two-way street; it’s a multi-lane highway. What that means is – pay it forward and cross lanes to do it. Mentor the next person coming up behind you and introduce colleagues and friends you think should know each other. Let your community know that you are unfailingly generous with your network – it can be transformational for them and for you.
Connection is key, now and always.
And it doesn’t take candy hearts to spell it out.
Looking forward,
Illana
ÊXTRAS: For more advice on finding a mentor you won’t want to miss, check out this Forbes piece on the importance of female mentorship, this piece from Her Campus on post-grad mentorship apps, and this classic from Tiffany Dufu on the difference between mentors and sponsors.
